I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i think i just lost a toe
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
