So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
