Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
