Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
