She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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