fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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