Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
