i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
