haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
