Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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