I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
