Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
