I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
