Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
