A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
