im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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