Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
