so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
