i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
