Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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