Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
