Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
