Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
