Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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