My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
