You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Are my feet made of real feet?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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