i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You took a bar mat shot.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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