Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
