If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Randomize
