She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
