I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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