Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
