my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
