You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
