So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
