i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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