I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Randomize
