i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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