is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
