Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
