i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
