god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
