I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
