I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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