come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
