just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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