Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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