You're my little dorito
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
