Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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