I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
