It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
