im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
